When you take things personally-- or hunger for approval-- what happens? You suffer.
When you stand apart from other people and the world as "I", you feel separate and vulnerable-- and suffer.
On the other hand, when you relax the subtle sense of contraction at the very nub of "me"-- when you're immersed in the flow of life rather than standing apart from it, when ego and egotism fade to the background-- then you feel more peaceful and fulfilled.
Paradoxically, the less your "I" is here, the happier you are.
When your mind is very quiet, the autobiographical self seems largely absent.
Self is just one part of a person.
We all routinely engage in many mental and physical activities without "I" making them happen. In fact, often the less self the better, since that improves many kinds of task performance and emotional functioning.
Self depends a lot on the feeling tone of experience. When the feeling tone is neutral, the self tends to fade into he background. But as soon as something distinctly pleasant or unpleasant appears, the self mobilizes.
The self also depends greatly on social context. Walk along casually: often not much sense of self. But bump into an old acquaintance, and within seconds many parts of the self come online, such as memories of shared experiences-- or wondering how you look.
You don't need to be special.
Relax about what others think.
When you relax the sense of self and flow with life, you feel happy and satisfied.
-- Buddha's Brain, pp. 205-223
